One day, it would be worth it.When the bad weather cleared in march I walked to his house in the sunshine. I remember feeling real heat in the sun for a change, the sky was blue and early flowers were blooming at the roadside. And I thought, There is beauty in this world. I know it's there and I so want to see it, but I can't. Because I am empty inside. I was still getting over a bad chest infection - a consequence of surviving nights in the cold in his dirty home. When I got there I went upstairs, ate a take away, we talked about nothing and he ordered me on the bed.I was on my knees. Bitch waiting for it. Bitch was about right and he didn't have a clue."I'm fucking your arse."He told me."No,"I said quickly, it's still hurting. I think we've done it that way too much, it needs a rest." It's been hurting for weeks."He complained, then said, "I'll have to fuck your cunt, then.."He shoved it in. I complained and he ordered me to sit on it and ride him. I sat astride him and slid up and. Not now. This is not the time." It took Esme a second andthen she realized what was 'not now.' She debated saying something, butheld her tongue. Instead, she shifted the conversation to Freya'swedding, figuring that was anodyne enough."Just be prepared for my brother to run once the ceremony starts," Steflaughed.Esme thought about everything in the car. Was that the next logical step?She thought about walking down the aisle. She pictured herself in a whitedress and shuddered.-----They had exhausted all conversation and were all in the living roomwatching a rerun of "Law and Order" on TNT. Esme couldn't remember thelast time, other than sports, that she had just passively watched TV, withadvertising and the inability to pause or fast forward the show. Itreminded of her being in Crewe, her father in his chair on Sundayswatching "Inspector Morse," waiting until the commercials to ask for somecrisps. She looked over at Jay, who was alternating flicking through hisphone and.
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